Her Story

Submitted by (anon, f,age 22, eating disorder)

A story of Hope...

If anyone were to look at my life, they would think it was perfect. As I look down at my body I see a different story. Memories run through my head of crawling on the bathroom floor after a night of purging. Sometimes I have to touch myself to believe that I am still here. My story is a long, exhausting journey. I'm recovering from an eating disorder. It developed in high school but didn't become out of control until college. High school was a hard time for me, figuring out who I was and who I wanted to be while experimenting with alcohol, drugs, and different groups of friends.

My relationship with my dad was never great, but during this time it was unlivable, barely on speaking terms. He was ashamed of me, at least that's what I believed. I felt like the disappointment in my family, never measuring up to my siblings.

In college, my eating disorder spun out of control. I would switch from anorexia to bulimia, getting sick of one and then move to the other. I would starve myself for days not allowing myself any food at all, then get so sick of being so weak and "out of it" that I would finally allow myself to eat. This would then make me feel extreme amounts of guilt so after awhile I would purge out all my emotions; the emotions that I didn't want to deal with. I flushed my pain down the toilet through bulimia, thinking that I was getting rid of whatever problems were in my life, while never truly dealing or confronting these emotions. In fact, my eating disorder was not the problem of my life. My eating disorder was the way in which I dealt with the problems in my life. A way that completely took over my life and was an impossible cycle to break on my own. It was easier to focus on my appearance and things I wanted to change about my body, then to focus on what I really needed healing from.

My life was dominated by Ed (eating disorder), this evil voice inside of me, always whispering "you're ugly, or you'll never amount to anything, or you'll never be good enough" in my ear. I was caught up in a never ending cycle that was slowly killing me. My eating disorder also gave me a sense of control. I felt like I was powerful in the beginning. I didn't have to eat, which is what every person needs to do to live. But I was the exception and could accomplish all these things while not eating. I enjoyed this feeling for a time but it was short-lived. I began to feel miserable. Weak, exhausted, depressed all the time. I wasn't really living, only existing, just trying to get through the day. Instead of being in control I realized I, in fact, had no control over my disease. The demands of my eating disorder took so much of my time, energy, and thoughts. I tormented myself daily, hating myself for eating an apple and making myself purge until I saw blood. After awhile I got so sick of never being able to eat, I would allow myself to eat and purge to make sure I was still the one in control.

Days felt like weeks.

I was always exhausted, always my stomach hurt, always my throat hurt, and my whole body ached. My body has been through a lot. Numerous ER visits, being found unconscious, periods stopped, ulcers and heart problems. I was tearing it apart. I finally decided I didn't want to keep living my life like this so I went to an eating disorder treatment center in another state. I thought I was a lost cause and didn't have any faith in myself that I could ever get better.

But my counselors never lost faith in me. They told me that I could do recovery and would not let me give up on myself. I grew stronger, physically and emotionally everyday. This hospital completely saved my life. 45 days later I walked out a different person. I do not know if I would still be here today without them. It's taken months, almost years, of counseling and treatment for me to get to the place where I am now. If it wasn't for my counselors and my treatment center, I don't know if I would be alive today. Where was God in all this? He was always there, waiting for me to crawl back into His open arms. I needed to stop worshipping my eating disorder in order to truly feel God. Once my mind cleared after about a week into treatment, I was able to find God again and focus my life on Him. My life is so different than a few months ago. My relationship with my dad is amazing now. He is now one of my biggest supports in my life. I am actually living.

Change is possible because of the grace of God. I now have passion in life again. I don't focus on my flaws and imperfections. I focus on what I want out of life. Healing is possible. My story isn't over and I am scared, yet entirely excited for the future. The journey/struggle/being healthy continues.....

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