Her Story

Submitted by (anon, f, former college freshman)

It was so clear. It was so painful. The conflicting voices within made me uncertain of myself. It felt right. I couldn’t stop. I marched forward, ignoring the warnings from my friends. Before I could stop, I felt the cold, rocky surface beneath entwine me as I closed my eyes and waited for the next car to pass….over me.

It was the final night of the college school production. I should have been proud. I should have felt like I had accomplished a purpose. All had gone well. As usual, a painted smile masked me, while inside I felt as if a mixture of fear, terror, anger, hurt, and brokenness, were entangling my very being. The irrational became the rational, and I was forced to fight a battle… not knowing which side I wanted to win. At the time, it only seemed right. The inner voices told me to do it, so I did. I laid in the east beltline, as if that was a common occurrence and was perfectly natural.

It was my first semester in college, a fresh new start, yet the haunting of my depression and suicide attempt in high school never seemed far from me. The pain was too unbearable and I felt so alone. I turned to alcohol…which fed my depression…which lead back to drinking. The cycle was continuous and I needed help before I hit rock bottom—again. I wanted to sleep and ease my pain with pills. I wanted to numb the pain. I wanted to be free. I was no longer living, I simply existed…

I started going to counseling towards the end of my first semester in college and it changed my life. With the help of God, it empowered me to take a step in breaking that cycle. I was finally at a place where I wanted to be rescued and I wanted to get help. The drinking pattern stopped, my obsession with pills changed, I started making smarter choices, and I was finally able to deal with the rational versus irrational battle of feelings and actions that for so long consumed me. Counseling gave me a chance to get my life back on track, and to recognize tools that helped me understand who God created me to be, and the amazing purpose that He has for me. Going to counseling does not change the fact that bad things happen and that life problems occur, but it did something better. It gave me the confidence to be prepared for when life is overwhelming and helped me be prepared to fight back when those feelings of depression start to sneak up. I am starting my senior year of college this year and as I look back to four years ago, I am in awe at the transformation that has taken place in my life…all because I took that step in deciding to see someone who could help me be me again. God has a plan and counseling has helped me see that from a different view. My vision was fogged, and yet I am at a point where I can finally say that life is indeed, beautiful. I am not only existing….I am finally living.

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