Her Story

(I'd like my story to appear on the website, I am an 18 year old girl.)

Well when I was in grade 10 I really started feeling depressed. I grew up in a christian home and had been a christian from a young age, but I felt as though God had walked out on me. I started to doubt all the constants in my like God's existance and Chrisitianity. I became more and more depressed, continuing to blame all my problems and hopelessness on God. One night in January of grade 11 I was really in a state of despair and I took a broken bobbie pin and cut my wrist, breaking the skin. I bled a bit, but I began to cry and shake uncontrolably. I was swearing and cursing God for letting me sink down this low. Then I heard God's voice and he said "Are you for me or against me"? I cried even harder an said I was for him. So I was on cloud 9 for the next month, things were great. Then one crappy week and I find myself doubting God again.

I went throug the next few months, coming close to cutting several times, but feeling way to scared that someone would find out if I did. Then in July of that summer I was just so run down and tired from working at a summer camp. I had a friend who was suicidal and cut, but was the only one who knew. She thought she might be pregnant and said she would kill herself if she was. I started cutting again. I'd do it at first I started cutting only once a week, but then it increased to a couple times a day. I was embarassed and really afraid. I started thinking about killing myself and I felt super drained and isolated.

I took a step of faith and told my supervisor who was really understanding, but being young she didn't know how to fix things, she just prayed and cried with me. I told the nurse at camp and eventually told my parents. It was so hard to see my dad cry as I showed him a scar. I felt so torn up and promised my parents I would never do it again. I didn't do it during August, but in September of grade 12 the vicious cycle recommenced and I started even cutting in the bathroom at school. It was a bad scene. I started going to a new church and I went on a youth retreat there in November. I told my youth leader that I was about the cutting and she was really understanding. We prayed together and she said she would hold me accountable.

The youth retreat really got me passionate about God. God met with me in a real way the weekend and I haven't cut since. So that makes it 6 months since I have cut, which is the longest I have ever gone. There have been times when I have come close to doing it, but I have learned to deal with my emotions in more constructive ways like praying, reading, or writing songs. Talking to people helps too, but God has been my strength. I couldn't have gotten through this without him. He has been so faithful and loving! Just last night I was frusturated wit myself and I started writing out all the things I was struggling with and all the sins I'd recently committed. Then I felt God tell me to cross them out, so I did. I then wrote "God's freedom and grace". I read Galations 6 about freedom in Christ and how we are not bound by sin anymore. I have the freedom not to cut! How amazing!

I realized today that I didn't put cutting on that list. So that means that I wasn't even thinking about cutting when I was going through a rough patch! Praise God, it is possible to overcome cutting. I know how hard it is and how much of a cliche saying trust God can be, but it is truth! Meet with him! Just give it a try.

His name was Jesus. He was laughed at, beaten up, put down, wrongly accused and cut. He claimed to be one with God, which was considered blasphemy. At that time in history the worst kind of torture was being crucified.

Keep on going! You CAN make it!

His wrists and feet were nailed to a cross. He died so that we could have abundant life. Historical records outside the Bible indicate that he came back to life after 3 days and showed others his scars. "Put your finger here, and look at my hands. Put your hand into the wound in my side. Don't be faithless any longer. Believe!" He was cut so you wouldn't have to. He loved you enough to give up his life for you.

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